Nothing makes sense, somehow.
Maybe I'll go for a drive in a bit. That helps sometimes, and I was going to before I got on this computer for something like three hours now. My mom was done, and my sister has a game I like, and then I've neglected this place and other things. Still, I have much computer duty to do (including Chicago tasks, little things like reserving a truck to move in and finding a job and stuff) - but then, I don't think I'll get much of it done tonight. Maybe I'll switch to my own computer and update my resume.
Gee, how exciting.
I've now got close married friends. If Mrs. C reads this, she will forgive me for that, but we are hardly close. We never were, though I do enjoy your company. [More the fool me, three summers ago, but then again a handful of people wouldn't be the same today had I not wavered indecisive, foolishly then. Did you know - of course you did. How silly.] Back to the point, I was at a wedding last Saturday, for two good college friends. It is odd. (It was also my parents' anniversary, but that's just kinda funny. I'll never forget either...) Compounding the oddness of the marrying itself, it was like a real goodbye to my college days. You know, a good group of friends from school. I was sad not to see more, but I understand the dictates of life. Anyhow, the end of school proper was so diffuse, and lacking in real major ending ceremonies. Getting the diploma hardly counts, because it's so big, and not everyone who is and was important is there. I guess the closest was the senior luncheon with the theater department, but then, too, not everyone was there. Aside from non-major students, I think they only invite full-time faculty, so not even the mentor I've spoken of was there, since he's technically only a Lecturer, despite being the best director in the department (with the possible exception of the chair).
The point being, we all gathered, we all knew it was a time of major change, we all knew there would not be large gatherings of this group even if we did see each other again (which I desperately hope we will), even if we stay in touch (which I shall do my best to make happen). I'm still not sure what all to say about it, to be honest. But something(s) ended that day and the next, and we all knew it.
I've got less than a month left living at home. That blows my mind. The apartment is in some ways like a dorm plus, so maybe that will help, but not much I don't think. It's scary, to be honest. Scary. I know the way to go is just to keep going, but it's not easy. I have to not let not knowing paralyze me, which is a tall order sometimes. Especially with so many ways to distract myself from getting real work done.
By the way, I really think there's something to the idea that pop culture (TV, movies, music, games, sports, etc. etc.) does a lot to distract people from real problems and real solutions. I noticed it strongly in myself just last night. Nothing was on my usual music stations in the car (on my way to our usual Wednesday night hang-out, which is mostly TV/DVDs, ping-pong, and video games), so I found the Indians game on AM. I got really excited when they scored. Granted, they were down 4-0 and had a bunch of good hits with 2 strikes, and got 3 runs by the time I go there, but still. It's sports - and I'm not even that into sports, though when I do tune in/show up, I get into it and have a good time. But it makes me wonder about the people who are really into it. What could all that energy, money, and time do if directed elsewhere? But then again, maybe there's a reason the Romans had so many holidays by the end of the empire.
Of course, at least I'm not one fo my other friends. He's apparently starting a job in Florida right quick. Just got the email that says he's moving in ten days. Damn. He had to miss the wedding since he's been teaching at a summer program in Massachusetts; I hope he's getting some time to be home and get his stuff together. But at least he's found a job, though it's not home like he wanted. He has family in Florida, though, and hopefully they're nearby.
Continue the scattering. Just among the four seniors who were performers in the improv troupe, two will be in California (Stanford and SF), one in Columbus, and me in Chicago. The friend going to Florida was a founder and host, and graduated early a year ago.
I still just don't know what I want to do. 'You'll do well at whatever' is usually unhelpful, though I've heard it many times, from infancy, probably. When Maria says it, it sometimes helps a little more, as a sort of quiet, patient faith. There is that from the family, too, but less directly. That, too, is scary, though.
I've never treaded water, really. Yes, I've had the summers of not doing much, but those were breaks, not blanks. It's easy to overdo the already-overdone 'I've never known anything but school,' but it is true. I think too that I could have done with a little more thinking about afterward. I still don't like the attitude that school is just for getting a job afterward, but I went a bit far in the other direction perhaps; a little more thought about it might have helped.
I know I have many people to help me. But the road ahead is unknown, and we're going to have to make things up as we go. This is always true, but somehow it's different this time.
It is scary, but all that can be done is waking up and walking on each day.
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Perhaps you passed these by:
What time it is? - 20 October 2005
You know what they say - 13 October 2005
Life {in Chicago} - 04 October 2005
Chicago - 13 September 2005
User - 09 August 2005
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