Not sure I have anything deep to reveal.
I do know that it feels good making progress. The last coupe of times, I've run over 30 minutes in just the sorting phase, and so a little more in the moving things where they go phase (mostly the trash can/recycle pile/shred pile, thankfully). And after the 30 minutes, I am allowed to stop at any time, so the pressure is off - no silly "Oh crap, I have to do this" - which works a lot better. Instead of stressing out about all that, I have manageable chunks. Imagine that.
I do come across memories from the times when I did actually do theatre. We're actually going to a show tonight, but that's all I've done for over two years now, with the exception of that project last summer.
While that was cool, I was mostly observing and pitching in when needed. That sort of thing may actually be what I'm best suited to; I do very well with someone in charge wanting something done now. But it is not all that satisfying, even if it was nice to learn things and bond a bit with someone in this mighty ant hive.
I miss it. I've given some thought to trying to get involved with the only good professional theater here, which by a happy coincidence is about a mile away from our apartment. We were subscribers last season, and saw some truly excellent stuff. (People who know the show were always surprised when I told them, but their Uncle Vanya was amazing.) The other two big professional theaters suck, frankly. I don't know how much success I'd have in getting involved at the good one, but never know 'til I try. I know at least one person from my college who got in good there, but she had some special skills. We shall see.
I snapped at M a couple of times talking about past stuff I've come across lately. I don't know quite what that deal is. I think there is loneliness there, and loss, and somehow shame. At what, I don't quite know.
I used to have friends is part of that mix, for one. Not that I'm totally friendless these days or anything so melodramatic. But the few people I am truly close to are out of town, and I have no regular people I hang out with. I used to have that, is all. Nothing unique there, really, but I miss that is all.
I've given some thought to that, and the way to solve it is by getting involved in something. After all, research shows that you bond with people you do things with, not with those who are most similar to you in philosophy, politics, intellect, and so forth. I've toyed with the idea of volunteering, and even get some a la carte volunteering opportunities by email each week. I don't think that really fits the friends bill, though I'd still like to. We shall see.
My most recent thought is to try and find a local fantasy football league. I am into it over the internet, and maybe that would work. There are issues, but it's possible. A book club would also be cool, but I got a bit burned when I tried one. Maybe I overreacted, but pretty much everyone there totally shot down the point I was trying to make, which is sort of central to my moral/philosophical thinking. I didn't go back after that. Only a loose group anyhow, and I'd only gone for two meetings, but it was a bummer.
If you're interested, I used the word thinking above because my opinion is not fixed in stone, but I'm very interested in the ideas. (This is probably at least one reason why I'm into pretty much any play with Nazis - even my directing class show had them, in an ambiguous setting where you could have thought it was now until the reveal at the end - oh snap, mindfuck!) Anyhow, it seems to me the concepts of evil and/or mental illness to explain the nasty things people do go too far in separating "them" who do those things from "us" or "me" who don't - and never could in many people's minds (or so it seems). I'm more interested in it being possible - and knowing why we choose not to do such things.
Hence the Nazi thing. The German people were propagandized, yes, but they did know about a lot of the nasty stuff being done. People aside, why would officers/camp operators/etc. be directly involved? How does it happen that a whole country goes along with such things? The US has some similar things on its collective conscience, but they are further back in history, and swept under the rug more, and unlike the Germans, we've never really faced them down. (E.g., treatment of Native Americans, colonial possessions like the Philippines, etc.)
I suppose the current war could be considered in that class of complicity. I know I haven't done much to oppose it. I still hold out hope for an eventual good result. It's not like el Presidente has shown much regard for the people's opinions, either. Still, I know I haven't done anything.
Anyhow, when we were reading about a serial killer, and everyone gave me the "him" vs. "us" and "evil" stuff to separate themselves, the far too easy and cowardly approach in my book, it hurt that they wouldn't even listen to me. And I got out. They guy was a sociopath, for sure, but I was interested in not dismissing it entirely and saying he was completely unlike "normal" people. At least talking about it, instead of reflexively and without examination going to your safe place.
But maybe I can find a sci-fi book club or something. Should be plenty of nerds in my neighborhood, though mostly they'll be busy being students and such. Shoot, maybe they even have a lit class in it like where I went to college. Probably during the day if so, but possible.
Or some board gaming folks. I know there used to be some around here, and I should see if there still are. Surely, somewhere.
I'm not unhappy lately, but I still would like to have some people to hang out with more regularly.
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Perhaps you passed these by:
It's not bad - still in threes? - 08 July 2007
Losses and opportunities - 07 July 2007
Personal Archaeology - 05 July 2007
- - 15 January 2007
Sleeping for a million years - 09 January 2007
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