« § look in the mirror, turkey § »
28 November 2002
11:39 PM
What's the fucking point?
What's the point in keeping a secret which would make a huge difference were it told? I gave my word. People always wanna say they have no regrets. Well, I regret giving my word. I'd do it again, I suppose, I'd give my word to a friend that I would keep their secret. When does it become time to reveal it, though? A part of me wants to say it's not my place; but my friend is living a fucking lie because of this. People just need to be honest with each other, and that's what I said at the time, even. But so far I've kept my word.
What's the point in trying to maintain group coherency? Especially when they'll have to get a fucking dictionary to figure out what the hell ieven just said. It's just like in dance class the other day. I thought someone just possibly might have understood even a little. It sure as shit didn't feel like it though. Who writes sonnets anymore, anyways? And you wonder why I look in the mirror and insult myself. Back to the issue at hand, if people don't want to bother ... I just find myself at the end of the rope, sometimes. I don't know what to do with you people. I honestly don't. All you who don't really understand the numbers on the paper (how little they mean) but see fit to introduce me as 'my friend who got the 1600 on the SAT' ... well, you've stumped me. Con fucking gratulations. Feel good? Yeah, I thought so. Ironically, my character in my acting class scene has a bit of a monologue about the desire to wreck everything. How tempting it would be. [The character is yelling at his friend, who has ended his marriage; it's a speech against letting your id go wild and breaking everything.] I know pretty much how it would happen, too. What the result would be. You get barium and krypton when you split a uranium atom, at least in the most often reaction cited as an example. (Yes, I reread Copenhagen today. Yes, I'm a physics major for the time being. So sue me.) I think one thing stopping me is the free neutron thaty would come shooting out. Not that I think there's any danger of chain reaction; it just wouldn't be quite right, I think. Maybe. Not that you really understood all of that anyhow.
What's the point in seeing people at all? All that ever seems to happen is that I feel the isolation, the "not one of me"-ness to varying degrees of acuteness. I know my own answer, of course: it's because I have to, because the only things that seems to have any sort of real meaning anymore are relationships. Yes, that's because I'm a fucking pathetic loser who never really had friends, who's always hitting those bouts of loneliness of various kinds and degrees, sure it's because I just like peopel but somehow never seem to know how the fuck to get anything going, yeah, whatever. I know that it's because I'm so often alone and/or lonely that I value relationships (by which I mean any sort of habitual interpersonal interactions). But still...that's all I've been able to find. Maybe I'm just another sad git who needs to get some action or something; maybe I'm just another ass with a wall (as even one of the freshmen up at school commented the other day); but, this is who I am. Wishing to be someone else ain't gonna do a whole lot, unless it comes with some sort of plan, or at least some sort of action. It doesn't magically happen. This is straying again -- the point is, this is what I feel now. take it or leave it. Take door number two, you know you want to.
What's the point of anything? This is of course the larger question I've been having off and on (meaning it's been hanging around, but not constsantly on my mind...I actually do rather nicely when interacting with others) for awhile now. So be thankful for your god, those of you who have them; be thankful for your belief in reasons for things, in a grand plan, etc., etc.
Be thankful for your boyfriends and girlfriends, even if they've cheated on you. At least you've got someone warm to be by your side, 'someone to walk with', etc., etc.
Be thankful for your narrow sighted opinions. It must be much easier to see the black and white of things. Less enlightened, less realistic, less good in my opinion, but easier.
Be thankful for your experience. You can always point to it and say, I did that. I went through that. See what I can make it through, see what I can do.
Don't think this is targeted to any one person in particular. It really isn't. I'm just frustrated and rambling on.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
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