Well, here goes. Deep breath, everyone. Keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.
The Delts throw a decent party, even one thrown together at the last minute, apparently. I went since I was personally invited, even though it was an open party. Also, I thought I should - I sit in my room enough as it is. Yeah Dr. Pop and other Sam's-ity goodness. Probably not such a good plan to drink it though - haven't eaten much today.
Yes, that's right, my eating habits are terrible lately. Today, eggs for brekkers. Class straight through, then strike. [I'll come back to that.] Chugged some Hugs concentrate. Mmm, sugary goodness. I slept away most of the rest of the day until the party, so no din-din either. I am rather hungry, but also don't particularly care, to be perfectly frank. Pretzels and pop at the party. [Say that mess three times fast.]
Part of a general pattern, I spose. Non-intentional; but I spose I could have been better about it if I'd made the effort. True in many realms, I'm sure.
Oh yes, I was wrong, by the way. I think I do understand. Maybe I just had to rediscover it. What I said way back when matches up a lot with what I've been figuring out lately. Of course, some of it isn't the same at all. But those who know need no explanation of that. However, I'd be willing to suspect most of you are a little lost as to what I'm talking about. What the hell else is new?
Who am I to disappoint you when you come to me seeking mystery and entertainment?
I like this idea of mine. "No Bullshit Day" is my working title, though I'd be up for others. I already told one of those women [see first entry; far to lazy to look the link up again, but it's in the one before this] about my thoughts. I forget how it came to me; I think they did it on some sitcom - maybe Kramer developed his own holiday, though I've no real idea. In any case, the idea is just a day when we clear the air. I was thinking we could all get together and everyone ask me whatever they want and I answer. Of course, if things were too too ridiculous, I'd have to say no way or something, but the whole point would be to get things out. Yes, I'm well aware that many of the questions will relate to my feelings toward certain individuals were this ever to take place. Such questions I would have to answer to the best of my abilities, though I could promise very little in the way of satisfaction, even though I do my best to answer.
I still think that some things are best left unsaid. But I'm not sure I give a shit anymore.
I'm tired of non-communication fucking me over. Fuck it, you want to know if I like you? Ask.
Granted that's a bit of a cop out, putting the responsibility on others to ask. Not an easy thing - I doubt I could have gone up to most people and asked about that.
[I did once. Not a pretty sight. And a damn long time, far too long a time, coming. And still I couldn't do it all clearly. That's because I'm an idiot, a repressed, foolish, lacking in confidence, misinterpreting, time-wasting, overly nervous fuckwad. But that's beside the point.]
In any case, that's part of the reason I'd like to do the getting together thing. I'd hope to keep from publicly humiliating anyone, but I could just go round and say "yeah, I've always liked you" or "no, I never thought of you like that" or "I think we need to discuss this in private in my car" or whatever. [Yes, we all know there would be no such "discussion" in my car. Stupid morals.]
It would certainly 'put the circle in an uproar' as someone put it, talking about something else. For those of you who don't know, the circle is this group of girls I know. Anything further I might say can and will be used against me, so that ought to do. They're the "those girls" I refer to from time to time (above, for example). Perhaps that's just the thing to do though.
Speaking of uproar - just go to prom, goddammit, and deal with it. You'll have fun - I enjoyed it, and I know you like dances and such more than I do. Just don't piss off your good friend's girlfriend and ruin it for both of them. [I have been assured it wasn't quite like that, after the fact; I'm not sure I entirely believe it though.]
Speaking of dancing, I did tonight. More or less anyways. Enjoyable. That girl I went out with briefly (yes, that is specific enough, more's the pity) and her friend (who does actually read this) would be perhaps surprised and amused to know that that other girl they went to high school with and who goes here to college was at the party as well. So I danced in her presence before in either of theirs. {That grammar sucks; fuck it.} Kinda funny.
I wonder if she knows who I am. I would tend to doubt it. Then again, that guy from the town where I live who's a badass bowler that was in my physics class knew who I was, even though I never expected him to. I finally introduced myself today, even though I've been sitting pretty much right behind him all semester. Last day of classes, so the way to go.
See, it's not just with women that I'm a dumbass.
Oh, and don't think this is some cry for help or sympathy or any shit like that. I'm writing this for me. Me. Not you, me. I post it because I'm a vain person that thinks everyone else must be concerned with what I think, what I have to say, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever.
Even the simple things, people will misunderstand. Guaranteed. That's why sometimes it feels so useless to try and explain.
And yes, it's a little disheartening when someone's already made up their mind. It's hard to muster up the will to argue against them, even when they want you to. Some things too, you really can't make a case for. IF YOU DON"T KNOW THAT I CARE, HOW CAN I EVER HOPE TO ARGUE FOR IT?
It's a thing about actions, about what has been between people, not some logical argument that you can make. And when someone tells you "I'm not sure if you care," what the hell are you supposed to say? "But I assure you I do"? Like I said, hard to make an arguement there. And it's also disheartening if they think you don't already. Dammit.
How can I hope to argue for it? I guess that in some ways I'd rather I could. Not always the most open or affectionate bastard, am I? Yes, I can say that - there's a damn difference when you do though. "Why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour a little lemon juice on it?" I spose that verges on the hypocritical, since I've been known to hit fairly close to the mark in teasing and such, and that's what I'm talking about here.
Maybe I am a hypocrite. It's hard not to be in this world, don't you think?
"Pro-life" people who support the death penalty. Or better yet, those that terrorize clinics.
Ending violence by rolling in the tanks. [No one particularly - metaphor, people, metaphor. And it may very well be valid. But it's still fucked up.]
Whiny bastard rich musicians.
And so on. I thought even a half-assed list like that should have three items. I really couldn't think of more, but I'm sorry if those suck. Cause I think they do. My only point was that it's rather a battle not to be a hypocrite when you're surrounded by hypocrisy, as we are in the world today. Don't you think?
"Words, words, words."
"I knew him well."
Oh yeah? You think so?
"He was a fellow of infinite jest"
You ever hear that one about comedy being tragedy standing on its head?
Yeah, I'm laughing hysterically now too.
Just remember "Gray skies are gonna clear up,/put on a happy face!"
I hate that show.
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Perhaps you passed these by:
Life {in Chicago} - 04 October 2005
Chicago - 13 September 2005
User - 09 August 2005
scattered - 05 August 2005
the way it is - 19 July 2005
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